An “S” on My Chest

What’s more impactful than getting bit by a radioactive spider?  The answer: Becoming a mother.

I will openly admit that I am a pretty unathletic person.  The ability to throw, catch, and kick clearly did not get passed down into my genetic makeup, but after I had my first child, something changed.  You think Spiderman is fancy catching bank robbers with his web?  Well, I’ve single handedly caught two toddlers and a one year old as they plummeted down a single step towards a concrete patio while 6 months pregnant and holding a cheeseburger – and yes, the cheeseburger remained in tact.  After the crowd applause and Matrix references subsided, I realized that there was a long list of new skills (a la Liam Neeson in Taken) that I had acquired after joining the un-caped and un-masked cruisaiderhood.  Here are just a few:

The Ability to Predict the Future – Being a mom is pretty much like a sick and twisted SAT literary analysis of cause and effect.  Janie didn’t tie her shoes and is walking towards the puppy with a half eaten cookie in her hand.  What happens next?

A. Janie stops and ties her shoes, tells her mom she prefers asparagus over cookies, and prays with her puppy for world peace.

B. Janie trips on her shoes, hits her head on the floor, and the dog eats the cookie.

I’m sure you know the correct response.  All in all, I sometimes feel like I’m in a sci-fi movie with the robot view that scans a situation and details out the likely dangers and course of action to protect my “asset”.

Eyes in the Back of Your Head – My husband has repeated to my son time and again, “Mommy sees everything,” and I can’t argue there.  The combination of knowing what to look for, with the ability to predict your child’s next moves, having sonic hearing, and always knowing that silence means someone’s up to no good, is key, but yeah, its pretty much like having another set of eyes.

Stuntman Car Driving Skills – You know why women are perceived as bad drivers?  Because while outsiders may see them as weaving a bit, slamming on breaks, or lingering at a newly turned green light a second too long, little do they know the chaos that is ensuing inside that four wheeled vehicle – we’re finding pacifiers, lulling kids to sleep, making sure one child doesn’t poke the other’s eye out, scooping up spit up, rushing to find a potty, distracting a temper tantruming toddler, answering work calls, and mentally mapquesting out the most efficient route to get all errands done so you can go home to a much needed glass of wine.  Hell hath no fury like an overtired kid with a full bladder!

And there are many, many, many more, but I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise for any new or future moms out there…after all, coming into your powers is always the best plot developer in any superhero movie!