But, Oh, those (Sleepless) Summer Nights

If you had to describe motherhood to someone, how would you sum it up in a few words? I myself have come to think of it as a tug of war between your mind and your heart.  The highs and the lows, the constant second guessing, and the “this too shall pass” mantra during sleepless nights.  Pushing your child forward, only to wish that they stay little forever.

Having moved our 2 year old from his crib to a big boy bed, we’ve found ourselves smack in the middle of one particular tug of war — every night, as our toddler tumbles into our room, we silently contemplate if we should let him crawl into our bed, or be firm and navigate him back to his room.  Making room for him means we can quickly fall back asleep.  Steering him back to his room, means I have to get in his bed, tell him at least 10 times why we’re in his room instead of mine, and fight my hardest to not fall asleep so I can trudge back into my room and wait for my alarm.

Before having a child, I would have told you that unless my kids were sick, I would never let my child sleep in our bed. But now, as a full-time working, exhausted (and 6 month pregnant) mom, I find myself lifting up the covers and letting him curl right on in, which essentially translates to:

My son maneuvering himself horizontally, feet in my face, and flailing hands smack on my husband’s. My husband and I both end up sleeping with one foot on the ground for stability and one eye on the clock, watching each minute bring us closer to the start of our day.

And while this may sound like complete torture, all it takes is one quick look at his round little face, so content and restful, for my heart to instantly warm.  Just like that, it all doesn’t seem so bad and I think, “There are worse ways to start a day.”

The funny thing is that I think I secretly love the sound of his plump feet fumbling through the night to get into our room — I’m not sure if it’s the fact that it’s purely adorable, or if I can’t fully relax until I know he is officially asleep for the rest of the night.  So while allowing this pattern to continue does make me a glutton for punishment, for now, it’s a battle that I don’t mind losing.